Laura

The Devil is in the Details

What details of your life could you pay more attention to?

“What does chaos feel like …inside your body?”

She asked me this question, expecting a response. 

What am I supposed to say?

Her voice actually sounded a million miles away, maybe like an echo. 

Blinking several times, I thought about how I should answer her. 

I had just explained to someone the other day about how everything may be all crazy on the inside, but you might not be able to actually tell from my face. 

A lot of us have that, I guess. Perhaps we don’t show it. Maybe even some kind of survival tactic we learned as a kid to cope with problems and emotions? 

How do YOU feel when your world is a chaotic mess, but you can’t show that?

Where was I going with this?

Oh right. Anxiety. Chaos. 

You can’t show that. Not in my position anyways. You can’t just break down. You can’t not be the voice of reason. 

The problem solver.

The problem listener.

Or whatever it is they’ve decided you’re good at.

Of course…I’ll get through it…

Who is they, anyways? 

Who knows, anymore.

110 comments

  1. they often say that in troubled times, you are the only chef in the building…and it doesn’t matter if there isn’t any food in the cabinets. the ones that depend on you have to have food one way or the other.

    here’s to survival tactics that stay with us throughout our lives. 🥂

    have a great week Laura. awesome to see you post! Mike

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  2. ‘They’ are for the most part FOS most of the time. And I always thought the devil was in a blue dress? Anyway, good food for thought Laura, it is great to see you weathering the storm and chaos to remain peacefully insane! Grab a cup and enjoy my friend. ☕☮️☕

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    • It does seem like it’s become more of a thing, and you have to wonder why…is it recognition of such, or are we busier and things are harder now? Perhaps most people years ago just pushed it aside and went about their day, writing it off as a “bad” or “good” one. I’ll admit, I keep things inside sometimes.

      Sorry about your pup ☹️ animals are the sweet beings that should have it easiest, I think

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      • That is a good question. Is it an impression or are people and dogs more anxious. I read an article today written by a veterinarian stating that dogs have become more anxious over the last decade. She said that veterinarians in general have noticed this. The veterinarian / author blamed dog owners for coddling the dogs too much. However, assuming dogs have become more anxious I can see many other reasons. If people have become more anxious the dogs will pick up on that. The pandemic resulted in less socializing for both people and dogs.

        As for our anxious dog Rollo, he was that way from the start but it did not get better. He got along very well with our other dogs and he loved Bronco and was very comfortable with him despite Bronco being ten times larger than him. He climbed all over him, bit and dangled in his tail, and tried to play with him a lot. However, Rollo never accepted dogs from the outside of the family because they made him uncomfortable and anxious. I also heard on the radio today that some psychologists say that mobile phones has made young people more anxious and depressed.

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      • That makes sense. I think we are more “aware” and have given this a name now, instead of “oh, it’s just that person who can’t handle x, y, z social situation” or whatever. But I do think being attached to the phone, tv, whathaveyou can make younger people feel more sad, because they don’t know how to cope with daily life without a phone. It’s weird in some ways – we went outside to play, and that was that. Don’t come back til sundown and don’t talk to weird people (which we still did, but didn’t tell our parents) 😆

        There’s a huge lack of that nowadays. Also, I think there’s something to the owners and the dog picking up on the owner’s anxiety. Animals are highly perceptive. So that nervousness can transfer. I think some dogs are born more anxious than others as well.

        You have to think, too – it used to be we just paid for stuff and got something. Now there is this fee, that thing, that tax, too many choices, and so many different aspects it’s bound to cause some anxiety.

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      • Yes I think I agree with everything you are saying. When I was a kid I ran into the forest to play. Never mind moose, strangers, dangerous swamps, getting lost, or trolls. But I never let my kids run off anywhere alone. Things weren’t necessarily better back then, but less complicated.

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  7. I’m glad to see you back, Laura. Anxiety, chaos, and a thousand other things going on inside us, and in most cases, we can’t let others see it. That’s why it’s so important to take some “me” time to let it all out and recharge, so we can have the energy to face another day. I have to do this often to keep my sanity. Of course, coffee always helps. ☕️

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    • Thanks for your kind words, Edward 😊 it really does mean a lot 🙏 I’m not someone who stays in a weird or bad, anxious or chaotic frame of mind too often. My energy is usually pretty neutral. I agree with you that “me” time is important and really, really underrated at times lol 😆 we often have so much going on in 9000 different directions. Thanks for letting know know I’m not alone 😊
      And yes, coffee always helps! ☕️ 🤣

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    • Thanks for sharing, Dawn! That really is a perfect description. That’s how I feel like I have to be to make it through some of my days as well 🙏 it’s hard, always trying to find the way through, I’m so sorry you had to go through that as well

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    • Destiny! 😆 not with that balance again, please!! 🙏 🤣 I’ve only seen it 39838 times today! Ahhhh 😱

      But you’re right…absolutely. I did have something throwing me off balance about a lot of things, luckily it’s becoming clearer now. I hope you’ve got your paper in your shoe 📝 👟 and your boss under your feet! 🦶 haha 😂

      And thank you 😊 🩷 really does mean so much 🙏

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  12. Anxiety is something that others don’t spot to see I have a majority of the time that I have had it when it’s there. Or, like you say, we are good at hiding it.

    My anxiety has probably only shown a few times over the years and those times when it shown was because of having a major panic attack.

    Same with if I am really low. A majority don’t see it. But a rare few do and those who do notice are the ones who really know me.

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    • Thanks for sharing, Liz 😊 I do think the people who are close to me could most likely recognize some tells, but sometimes it’s that survival mechanism that kicks in that keeps us from showing it. So sorry you had panic attacks though ☹️ those are truly awful!

      I sometimes wonder if it’s a good or bad thing we can hide our emotions so well.

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      • Yes, I agree, I think, it’s certainly a survival mechanism. And yes, hard to tell whether a good or bad thing to hide because in my situation it has been bad showing it on a couple of occasions and so for me, it’s why I hide it. But I I have had positive on occasion it shown where I was supported accordingly.

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      • I think it depends on the situation and the surrounding people, definitely 😊 makes sense. Always nice to be around those supportive people as well 🙏 makes all the difference

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  18. The notorious “they”.
    You know what? Fuck “they” and fuck “them”.
    They don’t know a damn thing.

    No one can truly ever know what someone else is going through deep inside.
    And anyone who has expectations can take a flying leap too. They can take their precious expectations and catch a first class flight to Hell.

    /rant 😆

    Now, onto more important things.

    Very glad to see you back in whatever capacity you choose. ☺️
    Your presence was sorely missed.
    Very happy moment for me 🤗🤗

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    • Haha thank you Kevin 😊 your rant is always appreciated 🙏 as I know I can go off on mine as well. 😆

      You’re right, “they” can kiss off.

      Awww thank you 😊 that means so much 🤗 🥰 ❤️ seriously, you have no idea

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  19. Life is a complete mystery from birth, until we leave this plane of existence to another state of existence.

    Don’t bother too much about “they”.

    Because “they” – whoever “they” are – don’t know you, like you know yourself.

    Chaos in itself is not bad, it can morph into a major positive change in our lives.

    Take care Laura 🙏🌞

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  20. Yes, we all condition ourselves to hide how we truly feel for different reasons. As a nurse, you no doubt have to bury a lot of feelings and be very aware of how you project yourself and while helping others.

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    • Thank you for that 🙏 it’s good to know I’m not alone in how I feel, which I’m sure I’m not but sometimes we wonder if maybe the problem is us 😆 and yeah, you know…often can’t project how we really feel at times

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  23. ‘They’ seems when specific voices over time become combined and then generalized as the sky over our heads, or as my therapist reminded me this morning, sometimes we pick up messages before we’re even verbal, so there’s not a specific thing to attach a ‘reason’ to or articulate, and one just has to let it work through. ❤

    Not saying that's what you've been experiencing, cause there's also sometimes just benign learning curve type stuff as one reaches to the next level, etc. Or both/all/and.

    ❤ Masking is for others benefit, but also a way of pushing others away enough to manage and take care of ourselves. I know sometimes I'm like "Oh things are fine, same ol'", because I don't think it would help to say more to the particular person I'm talking to. Or sometimes it's, "This needs 3 hours and I only have 3 minutes, so on with the show!"

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    • Thank you ❤️ yes, I think that’s another part of it – so many things going on, and when someone asks lol..how much time do you have? And things build up and up over time. That’s true too, sometimes it’s not worth it to bring it up either to others but to just kinda “get over it,” the person who asked me that question, she wouldn’t have had the time to deal with all what I would’ve told her and it would’ve been a blanket “I’m sorry for what you’re going through, everything will be ok” type of response anyways, which I guess, in a way, is true 😊

      This too shall pass, am I right? Lol 😆

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      • hahahahah

        Also, of course, you are right. 🙂

        Also, I really do hope that everything clears and clicks for you soon. ❤

        I've been thinking of making an at-home retreat, because it doesn't make sense to get away away as in vaca, but I'm also not taking the time I need to, to allow for deep attention. I'm not sure whether it would be possible to facilitate here through WP, but I may run an experiment with myself and if it works, then let others into it.

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      • Ooohh!!! Nice 😊

        I’d definitely be interested in whatever it is you’re thinking of! As far as at-home, I used to have that hot tub lol and I bought a new one but getting it set up- has been a nightmare to even start but that could definitely help relieve stress.

        Let me know of your experiment! It sounds like a great idea ❤️

        And thank you 😊

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  26. It is hard to live in a box. Sometimes you do it to yourself and other times “they” do. Either way it’s not good. Anxiety is indescribable. So unless you have experienced it in it’s many versions – it is not like you can flip a switch… I hope the chaos goes away and doesn’t have to show on your face. Thats why I think empathy is so important. I feel you. 🫂

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    • Thank you lovely 😊 that’s very much appreciated 🙏 your words are very kind and uplifting and I always love to hear (read?) what you have to say. You’re right too, not easy just to flip that switch sometimes, but we have to maintain some sort of normal in our lives I guess 🤗

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  27. Reality, in my personal opinion, has a funny way of teaching simple lessons in the most dramatically confusing fashion, what strange and fascinating thing to be alive, a flash in the night yet somehow at a snails pace. Keep on keepin’ on -Realitology

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  29. I’m bipolar so I have a lot of chaotic episodes going on daily. As the saying goes “actions speak louder than words” so to explain it I am struggling to get over the concise explanation but I have found that I express myself through my actions. From self harm to substance abuse to arrogant self control to sleeping excessive amounts of time. Chaos is a phenomenon of disorder (this is why I believe it is linked to bipolar) and it has the potential to be controlled and resolved through either medication or therapy which I am both in receipt of currently. I am not free of these chaotic occurrences but they are subdued and manageable now. I studied chemistry at university and we learned about the chaos theory in which a slight change in conditions can cause an effect of mass proportion. This is relatable to bipolar in a way. The question is whether we are just ignorant of understanding what is causing the chaos in the first place and how to harbour it in a positive way. Great post btw 👌

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    • Thank you for your very well thought out comment for sharing your thoughts! 💭 it is appreciated 🙏 glad my post could resonate with you in ways 😊 glad you are managing well, and regardless of our diagnosis, I think everyone suffers from a bit of chaos from time to time. And yes, it does happen to seek to “cause and effect” a lot of different situations when things swing wildly from one moment to the next, it’s not predictable at all. Channeling chaos in a positive way is always a great goal as well, you’re right 👍

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  30. I had to think about your question.
    I suppose it’s minimalism. I like empty rooms, on the other hand I am a book collector. Sure I have to reduce other stuff what’s not so easy for me. When I moved in my house I had several empty rooms, there was nothing besides a beautiful carpet in most of them. I loved it but over the years the rooms were filling with more and more stuff and now I should empty them again. I like an ascetic lifestyle. I hate chaos but fortunately I am hardly ever confronted with chaos. Chaos kills creativity at least for me. It makes me happy to live in orderly surroundings. But it’s constant work to keep up an aesthetic order.
    Thanks for asking this question that I didn’t think about before
    Klausbernd 🙂

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    • Yeah, adding so much stuff to our life can make it chaotic and not in a good way, thanks for sharing that as well 🙏 minimalism could be a good cure for some of those issues, yes. The less we have to contend with the better. However, sometimes lots of things get thrown out way we can’t control, we can only control our actions and how we respond.

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  35. “What does chaos feel like …inside your body?”

    Some days, it’s disjointed, scattered, floating throughout my head, with my thoughts ricocheting about from idea to idea. Sometimes the ideas are too far apart, and my thoughts hang in the empty air between them.

    Some days, it’s coalesced into a whirlpool, a downward spiral, threatening to shipwreck my mood for a day, or even my mental health for the whole week.

    Some days, it condenses into an arrow, pulled back on a taut string, ready to be loosed and bury itself into the target of its hyperfocus.

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    • Good descriptors of how it feels! It can be different levels and all over the place, sometimes a range of different things and emotions and even physical reactions to what we’re experiencing at the time.

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  36. Ugh, anxiety sucks. Masking sucks. Some days, the world is overwhelming.

    I can understand that in your job field, it’s actually quite necessary to mask your emotions, but at least you have an outlet here to express yourself to. We’re a pretty understanding bunch 🙂

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  39. Anxiety? Yeah it’s relatable

    In the recent years I have become more anxious, doubtful.
    It’s hard to trust people. I have major disagreements.

    Why make life complex, risky, and hateful unnecessarily?

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  40. Chaos on the inside but calm on the outside? It’s something so many of us go through. We learn to mask it, almost like a survival instinct. But being that ‘problem solver’ all the time is exhausting. Thanks for sharing this—it’s a reminder that we’re not alone in feeling this way!

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